Fear. Anxiety. Worry.
Doubt. These emotions run rampant in the minds of all of us at some point in
our lives. I'll be honest; they plague me on a fairly regular basis. The funny
part is, I never actually realized it until about three years ago. I've often
said in private conversations and counseling sessions alike that my life
changed completely when my father died in 2008; that I had to relearn who I
was. The new person that occupied my body was a stranger; someone who saw and felt
things so very differently than I once had. It is only recently that I have
come to know that that is not completely true. The truth is that I was blind to
who I was prior to that life changing experience. The reality of
me was hidden behind a veil of who I thought I was or wanted to be for the
benefit of my father. His death ripped away all of the falsities that I had
created in my mind.
I soon realized that I had been dealing with issues of
severe anxiety and depression for YEARS, but it was masked with horrible crankiness
and a bad attitude. For those who were close to me and knew me well, they were aware
that I was a actually quite kind, and more than a little bit insecure, but to most
others, I was just a royal bitch! I look back on that time in my life now and
shake my head. I'm sure I missed out on lots of great friendships and
experiences due to my very rotten attitude. Fortunatley, I can now understand the root
of that façade. I was constantly afraid of failure; afraid that I would not
live up to the HUGE expectations that everyone in my family-especially my
father- had for me; afraid that I would be mediocre; afraid that no one would
love me for just being me. My completely irrational fears led to anxiety and an
incessant need for perfection. This led me to put on airs and pretend to be all
those things that I felt I had to be to be seen, heard, and loved. And all of that manifested through my horrible attitude. In the years since, I've learned when I get anxious
and scared, or sad and depressed- I become very irritable and cranky. And when I
notice it, I immediately ask myself- what am I anxious about? And usually the more I
think about it, I find that at the root of it all is fear.
The concept of fear has
been thrown in my face quite a bit lately. From books that I’ve been reading,
to patients that I’ve had to treat at work, and most importantly in my own
everyday life. My life is in a huge state of transition at the moment, and
normally in times like these, I rely heavily on my tremendous ability to plan,
document, delegate, and work extra hard. Over the past 10 years, every financial
crisis my family has endured was overcome by me getting an extra job! I have
never been afraid to burn the candle at both ends, regardless of the consequences, if that meant it kept a roof
over our heads, food in my kids mouths, and lights on in the house. As a
Christian, however, this behavior has a tendency to limit your faith in God and
increase your trust in yourself. Of course, my thought process through each of
those times was that God provided additional work for me- especially since
in my prayers that was exactly what I asked him for. I was never one to have
blind faith- I had faith only in something tangible that I felt sure could provide
me with reliable and predictable results. Now, however, that is not the case. I
am in a life situation that has left me in a space where I have to trust
completely, and fear not. That is quite a tall order for a “recovering” control
freak!
But here’s the thing, all
of the self-help books and gurus out there spout talk about vision boards,
manifesting destiny, wish fulfillment, the power of intention, and the law of
attraction. And at the end of the day, all of it is just plain faith without
fear. It is faith and trust in God to provide for you and to give you the
desires of your heart. You can label it as whatever you like, but it is truly trusting God and experiencing the joy and peace that comes
along with knowing that you have what you need.
All of this sounds
awesome, but putting it into practice is a horse of a different colorJ. And that's where audacity comes in.
Audacity is defined as "intrepid boldness or bold or arrogant disregard of
normal restraints". Faith is completely audacious. To refuse to believe
what you see or what those around you may say and instead to focus fully on the
truth of what you know the outcome to be. And not only to focus on it, but to
rejoice in it and to live as if it were so. To trust a God that you cannot see
and to know that he loves you, hears you, and has granted your petition—that is
an act that requires a tremendous amount of courage and strength.
This time in my life is
forcing me to do just that. How can I truly be a Christian and not believe
wholly in the God I serve? How can I be afraid and full of worry and doubt,
when I have clearly been instructed to be anxious for nothing and to cast all
my fears upon Him? To be audacious- to live without fear- to trust completely,
these are the attributes that will carry you through the tough places in your
life. Knowing that there is a lesson in the experience, but that it will not
break you or define who you are and your
destiny. Barack had the "Audacity of Hope" and it put him in the
White House for eight years amid a sea of naysayers and fervent opposition. He has
literally made history because of it. Just imagine what the "Audacity of
Faith" can do...
