I have been contemplating the idea of free will, choice, and accountability for a while. Some people may think that I'm a bit cynical, but I am a firm believer in an individual's right to choose. Every moment of everyday, we are all faced with different decisions that we must make; from seemingly trivial things like what to wear, to much more major decisions that can alter the path of our lives. I am a firm believer in the right of every person to make decisions that work best for them and what they want, as long as they understand that every choice has consequences and they are willing to deal with those consequences- be they positive or negative. What I can't stand, however, is when people consciously make bad choices, but then refuse to be accountable for it.
The video clip above is of Flip Wilson who built a comedy career off a character named Geraldine and her signature line, "the Devil made me do it". All too often, we are quick to shirk any personal responsibility for our choices and blame anyone and anything else but ourselves. Case in point: The addict that says they can't stop using because they have a disease and it's impossible for them not to do it. Their "disease" makes them do it. I'm not sure why exactly, but there is something about owning up to making a misguided choice, the idea of saying "I was wrong" that completely freaks us out as human beings. We would rather lie, cheat, and point fingers instead of making that simple admission. Why is that?
I am equally dismayed by the inability to accept the choices of others, especially if we love them. For example, the family members of the aforementioned addict. Though the addict knows the repercussions of their actions, they tell their family plainly that they don't want to stop using and many times use guilt to get their loved ones to help support the habit. The family may try to move heaven and Earth to get them help but the addict always goes back because they don't want to stop using. But love won't let the family accept that. I run across this particular scenario all the time at work, and even in my own life with some of my own family members. I completely understand the logic behind why you keep beating your head against a brick wall in this situation: Love. But what about loving that person enough to respect their choices and let them reap the consequences of it?
These scenarios may seem extreme, and I know there are many who would love to argue the disease model of addiction with me right about now, but that is not the essential point. The point is that there are so many times in life where we refuse to accept the choices that others make for themselves. The thing is, you don't have to like it-not by a long shot- but you do have to respect it. Why? Because we all have a right to make our own choices, and we all want others to respect us and the decisions that we make.
I completely realize that what I am proposing is not as easy as 1-2-3. I also understand that there are all sorts of personal issues that get wrapped up in how we respond to others, particularly those we love. But I've also learned from experience, lots and lots of experience, that you can't change the actions of others. You can't make someone care about themselves or value their place in the world. You can't reason with someone who has no interest in your version of truth, only in what is true for them. So all you can do is learn to accept their choices and let them own their consequences. This of course means not enabling them, or cleaning up messes that may arise. Again- easier said than done.
I struggle daily with this as I interact with my kids, friends, and folks at work. I have to remind myself, though, that accepting the choices of others for themselves, particularly in situations when they know better, is the only way to find true peace of mind for myself. When you let go of trying to change what someone else does, thinks, or says, and begin to focus truly on what you have control over (which is only yourself and no one else) and you start setting some healthy boundaries, your inner stressors decrease tremendously. And if you are a person of faith, this is a wonderful time for you to allow it to kick in. God gave us all free will. He has told us what he expects of us, what the consequences are for not doing it, and then stands back and let us choose how we wish to conduct ourselves. None of it is compulsory. So if God isn't standing over us forcing his will and desire on us, why do we do it to each other?
I had this discussion earlier with a friend who asked about grace and mercy (G&M as she likes to call it) and wanted to know how that fits in to all this. If God extends it to us, shouldn't we extend it to each other? I told her that she was absolutely correct; we should. But even God has his limits, and so should we. Giving others a space of time to realize what they are doing and to make changes in a helpful and loving way is always a great idea. But that's also where the boundaries come in. When it comes to a point that you are putting more effort into "saving and protecting" others then they are for themselves, it's time for you to re-evaluate what you're doing and why. If you're doing all the work, in effect what you have shown that person is that they never have to be accountable because someone will always come to their aid.
As a mom, I find this to be particularly true. I love my children fiercely, but I also want them to grow up to be capable and independent. Like any mother I am constantly telling them to stop doing this or that because it's going to hurt them. However, after about three times of repeating "Don't do that", I start asking questions like, "Ok, I've told you not to do that, but you keep doing it anyway. What's going to happen if you don't stop?". When they tell me the answer, that lets me know that they are aware of the consequences, but have chosen to do what they want. At that point, my response to them is simple, "Ok, when you get hurt (or whatever the case may be) don't expect me to come to you and try to make it better. Obviously you are ok with it, so I will respect your choice and let you live with the consequences."
My six year old experienced this the other day when he fell and hurt his knee in the kitchen. I told him several times NOT to slide around on the kitchen floor in socks because he was going to hurt himself, but he kept doing it. Finally I told him that when he did get hurt, I wasn't going to say anything to him, I was just going to look at him and blink;). So, when he fell and was holding his knee in obvious pain, he opened his mouth to call out my name, but then he stopped before he got it out completely. I walked over and looked at him and said,
"Hmm, how did that happen?"
He replied, "I was sliding on the floor in my socks"
To which I replied, "Ok, and what did I tell you I would do when that happened?"
And he said, "Look at me and blink. But Mommy, you're not blinking!"
The bottom line of it all is this: we can only control ourselves and we need to take responsibility for our own choices. Though we wish we could, we can never truly dictate the actions of others. If we truly believe in God, why not pray and let him handle the rest? And the same goes for the many choices that we make as individuals: make your decisions based on what you know is in line with the will of God, and the rest will work itself out.
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