Back in May, I had a very clear plan for what I knew was one of the purposes for my life. From the age of about 8 or 9, I have been trying to write a book. I had several false starts, trying to figure out what story I wanted to tell. When I was 12, I decided to write the story of my (and my father's) life. It's truly a compelling story, and I had dreams of it being made into a TV movie of the week! I discussed this with my Dad often and he seemed to find the thought amusing. I continued to attempt to write through my teen years, but it never really came together. Ironically, I found that the biggest problem was that I hadn't lived long enough yet so I had no idea how the story would end ;).
The older I got, the more I talked myself out of the idea of writing a book. I still REALLY wanted to, but I started to tell myself all the reasons why I couldn't do it. I had myself convinced that I didn't have the time, the story was too emotional, or I was too impatient to see it through to completion. When my father died, I tried once again and got three pages into the first chapter. After that, I resolved that I was too emotionally raw at that moment to try and I abandoned the effort, confirming my previous negative self talk: I really couldn't do it.
Eight months ago, during my period of self reflection, my hidden desire came to the forefront of my mind and heart, and I started the journey of writing my first novel. My new and self-appointed job was to go into the office everyday and write. And for a while that was really cool. I learned a lot about myself and my ability to make up really good stories! When things became unbearable and I decided to leave my workplace, I was excited because all I wanted to do was write and now I would be able to do it freely. I was so passionate about it that it scared me sometimes. Everything that I thought I wanted as far as career was concerned went completely out the window. I truly wanted to spend my days working as a writer.
My new plan was to write during the week while my kids were out of the house and work at the hospital on the weekends. I was also going to spend more time reconnecting with my husband, because now I would have the time to do it. Not only that, I had time for morning devotion: reading the Bible daily (something I am embarrassed to admit that I don't do regularly) and spending some serious time in prayer. I was so excited about this new path and inspiration.
I think that may have worked for about a week.
My full-time weekend job fell through so I had to go back to working whenever I could get hours at the hospital. Then school ended and the kids, who were supposed to go to camp all summer, now had to stay at home all day. We don't have cable so they watch Netflix a lot on our one computer, which is in the living room. That means no writing for Mommy because Mommy is either working or parenting!
As if that juggle wasn't enough, my mother in law passed away and now we have to grieve and cope in the midst of everything else. So at this moment, I'm feeling a little lost on my journey towards purpose. I was supposed to spend this summer working on a cool service project with my kids and writing my novel, taking short breaks to blog about the amazing progress in my life and how wonderfully things fall into place once you really find passion.
Best laid plans, right?
It really hurts when I realize that it's been almost two months since I've touched my novel. I used to think about it all the time. Now, I don't because it overwhelms me trying to figure out how and when I can return to it. Same thing when I think about our family service project.
I spend a lot of time now trying to figure out how to do a better job of achieving my dreams. I always tell myself that I am going to come across challenges and setbacks, but I convince myself that when the time comes, I will lean into my faith and make it through wonderfully. But then the challenge comes, and it's not so easy. I miss writing terribly. I truly hate not spending time helping my children with their project to raise money for the kids in the City of Hope in Tanzania. Somehow, I allowed myself to become more focused on making sure that we can build a savings and take a trip to Disney this summer, than doing those things that I say matter most to me.
I have to refocus my energy to get back on track. I have to refocus on God. I remember telling my husband once a few months ago that I wrote best when I was reading the Bible and praying consistently. I didn't seem to be able to write fast enough in those times; but when I slacked off, the words didn't come and I would find myself empty with nothing to say. There is a great sadness building in my heart from the many losses that I have experienced over the past several weeks. It's as if it has all caught up with me at once. Now is the time when I really need for my faith to kick in. I need to really walk out the words that I say to so many others all the time and NOT be a hypocrite. Now is the time that I really need God.
No comments:
Post a Comment